Photo from Liz Kameen.

Dear Liz: Do you think you can write a piece on having space in a relationship and how to go about it? Thanks 🙂

I know a little bit about the importance of balancing a relationship with other commitments; I was with my ex for over five years, spanning from high school to college, and at some points, it felt like my identity couldn’t be separated from him. This is fine if you and your partner stay together for the rest of your lives, but I fear lasting high school sweethearts are becoming rarer and rarer. 

I always imagine the stay-at-home moms – often financially, socially, and domestically dependent on their marriages – who are cheated on 40 years into their marriage. Their husband leaves them with nothing, socially isolating them and leaving them penniless. Obviously, that is extreme, but you don’t want that to happen to you, even on a smaller scale. 

Let’s start with addressing some common misconceptions: first, asking for space does not mean there is a lack of love in the relationship – in fact, I view it as a sign of a healthy relationship. You should always feel comfortable enough with your partner to bring up uncomfortable topics, such as spending a little too much time together. 

When you enter a relationship, you don’t (and shouldn’t) stop being your own individual. Maintaining your own identity, passions, friendships, and personal goals ensures you remain the person your partner first fell for. Space allows both partners to continue developing their unique identities, which helps them grow together rather than becoming co-dependent on each other. 

It may be time for some space if you’re feeling overwhelmed or suffocated in your relationship. Talking to and spending time with your partner should not feel like a chore or a responsibility. Your partner should compliment your life, not exhaust it – and if it doesn’t feel that way, it’s time for a serious conversation. 

It might be a sign that you need more personal time if you get irritated over small things that usually wouldn’t bother you, like how your partner chews or even their presence. You need time to yourself to reset mentally and emotionally, and recognizing these signs early on can help prevent unnecessary arguments and ensure that when you’re together, you’re in the right mindset to appreciate each other fully. 

It’s crucial that you communicate your need for space in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel unloved or blamed. Timing and tone matter; choose a calm moment when both of you are in a good headspace for an open discussion. 

Use the compliment sandwich: start by affirming your love and commitment, then express why space will benefit both of you. Ensuring your partner understands that this need is about maintaining balance, not about creating distance between you emotionally – and who knows, they may be feeling the same exact way as you.

Finding the right words can make all the difference. 

Something along the lines of: “I love spending time with you, but I’ve realized I need a bit of time to recharge so I can be my best self for both of us,” or “I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and I think having some personal time could help me reset. It’s important to me that we keep our relationship healthy, and this is one way I think I can do that.”

These reassuring statements make sure your partner is aware that this space is intended to strengthen the relationship and consider letting your partner know that taking time apart is your way of ensuring you can be fully present and engaged in the relationship when you spend time together. 

A good approach to finding a balance between one’s life and relationship is to plan for spending time together and apart; set aside “us-time” while also scheduling “me-time.” Respecting each other’s boundaries means knowing when to step back and allow for breathing room, which fosters a sense of security in the relationship.

Activities that create space are vital to maintaining individuality. Encourage each partner to pursue their hobbies and interests and spend time with friends and family separately; don’t feel you always need to invite your partner to things. This is not only for your relationship but for those around you, as well. No matter how well your friends get along with your partner, they will eventually get sick of them always tagging along. 

It’s essential to differentiate healthy space from emotional distancing. When a partner asks for space, understand that it’s about their self-care and the long-term strength of the relationship – it’s not something you should interpret as an insult to you. 

To manage feelings of insecurity, reassure yourself that space is normal in a thriving relationship. Instead of seeing it as a sign of problems, view it as an opportunity for both of you to grow individually and come back even stronger as a couple.

As always, thanks for reading the Kameenian Korner! If you have any questions about your love life, consider filling out this Google Form anonymously or email me at [email protected].