Photo by Liz Kameen.

Could you do an article on feeling like you’re living in your partner’s shadow? Is there any way to talk to your partner about it? – Anonymous

Feeling overshadowed by your partner doesn’t get talked about enough in relationships. Maybe it’s your significant other’s career, charisma, or ability to attract other’s attention in general, but it can feel like you’re sometimes fading into the background.

Let me start by saying that it’s okay to go through ups and downs in your relationship where your partner, or you, yourself, may receive much more attention than the other – in fact, it’s normal! 

I think the issue depends on whether you see your partner succeed and become jealous, which is, in my opinion, an indicator of a much larger problem. And if this dynamic becomes a pattern, it can lead to resentment, low self-worth, and a loss of identity.

But, if it’s smaller things, like if you feel your partner is a campus celebrity and is always talking to others instead of focusing on you, communication can usually help solve this. I know that voicing these concerns can be hard, and despite majoring in a discipline meant to enhance my communication skills, I still struggle with this. 

So, how do you talk to your partner without embarrassing yourself and making them feel bad about something they cannot necessarily control or something they shouldn’t have to control? 

Well, first, validate yourself. If you’re upset about something, tell yourself that anything that bothers you is important, no matter how small it initially seems. It’s easy to feel guilty about raising these concerns, as your partner’s success or confidence isn’t inherently a problem, but remind yourself that these concerns deserve to be brought to your partner’s attention for both of your sakes. 

When you eventually speak to your partner, start by acknowledging the qualities you admire in your partner; don’t frame the issue as something that is necessarily their fault, as they likely don’t even know how you’re feeling. 

Expressing pride in your partner’s achievements or saying how much you value them can prevent an uncomfortable conversation from sounding accusatory. One example of a way to approach your feelings with your partner is by saying, “I’m so proud of all the amazing things you’re doing, but sometimes, I feel a bit lost in the background.”

Remember that communication in a relationship should be about your needs, not their actions (unless they have done something wrong, of course.). Being told something like, “You always take the spotlight,” can come across as childlike jealousy, when really, your partner probably just wants you to feel proud of them, too.  

Instead of focusing on what they’re doing, talk about what you need from this relationship and your partner. An effective way to voice your concerns may be: “I feel like I don’t talk to your friends as much as I’d like to when we hang out, and if you included me more in these conversations or talked about more of my interests in these group settings, I think I would feel more integrated with the group.” Laying out your concern and why it upsets you, and listing some possible solutions is a great formula for any communication. 

If you frame your concerns in a constructive manner, it does not come across as a critique of your partner, and it also offers an avenue to resolve the issue. Communication is always great, but it’s much more effective when you approach the problem with some possible solutions already established, so it seems like you are working to better your relationship rather than just attacking your significant other. 

Tell your partner specific, achievable ways that they can support you. Maybe it’s giving you a little more space to talk about your own goals and wins or showing extra support when you’re pursuing something meaningful. If followed through, these small, thoughtful changes can make a huge difference, especially in making both partners feel valued and respected. 

It’s really a win-win; your partner should feel happy that you’re comfortable enough to have these awkward conversations with them – it means that you value the relationship enough to work on it. 

And, if your partner commits to change, even if it doesn’t actually decrease your feelings of living in the shadow, it should make you feel good that they care about you enough to even try. 

Not to be cynical, but if you are feeling upset about smaller aspects of the relationship, it might be time to look inward and discover why you are having these feelings of self-doubt since your feelings may not be connected to your partner at all, just manifesting in them. 

I think it’s important to consider whether you have repressed feelings of insecurity that may be seeping into the relationship and ensure that you’re not projecting that onto your partner. No matter what, spending time on your passions, hobbies, and goals is always valuable; find and do the things that let you feel fulfilled and empowered and bring light to your world. 

Remember: your partner’s success doesn’t diminish your own worth, and their achievements don’t need to take away from yours.

Relationships aren’t competitions — they’re partnerships. Sometimes, talking it out and making small adjustments is all it takes to feel more balanced and seen. 

When feeling overlooked, remind yourself that your voice and accomplishments matter. You don’t have to downplay yourself to make room for someone else, but neither should your partner. Talking about feeling overshadowed doesn’t make you insecure or needy; it makes you an honest partner.

And with the right approach, it can bring you closer together, creating a stronger foundation of respect, understanding, and mutual support.

As always, thank you for reading The Kameenian Korner! Don’t hesitate to send in questions or topics you’d like covered by using my anonymous Google Form or emailing me at [email protected].