Happy Valentine’s Day! In our society, a day like this has so many implications.
For some, it’s a day to let love surround you. I mean, a day where I can just stop being a hater and appreciate the romantic and or platonic love in my life? Why wouldn’t I celebrate? For others, it’s a reminder that you’re single and you will probably (definitely) make it everyone’s problem.
Or, for the intellectuals, it’s a reflection of capitalism brainwashing people into lovey-dovey leeches.
What does Valentine’s Day mean for those of us with mental illnesses? You may think it’s miserable when you’re single and extraordinary when you’re in a relationship. When you have a mental illness, the experience does not change that significantly.
I know, for me, depression didn’t go away the moment I found a partner and that was a hard, years-long pill to swallow.
When I tried online dating, it was mostly miserable. I lump online dating and job searching in the same category of “soul-sucking to an alarming degree because you essentially have to wait for someone to get back to you.” I unfortunately can’t avoid searching for jobs in my lifetime but I eventually learned I could steer clear of dating apps.
I know it was hard for me to connect with people romantically, not because I have super lofty standards but because I’m a shy person so it can be tough to put myself out there. You’d think online dating would solve this because you can match with someone with similar interests.
Yet, there’s a certain pain that comes with waiting to be “picked” by someone, the potential of being ghosted or just having the bad luck of endlessly encountering creeps.
Then, here comes the dismal thoughts: I can’t connect with anyone. I am not good enough for anyone. Am I too complicated to love?
It really doesn’t help that our generation always throws in terms/phrases like “situationship,” “talking stage,” or “not exclusive yet” which don’t help with our already depressing dating scene.
Take this from a depressed person who has been down on luck when it comes to dating in the past and knows situationships like the back of my hand: the best thing you can do is recognize that a relationship won’t fix you. It won’t magically solve everything or make you whole.
Let’s say you met someone special (or started dating a good friend you’ve always had a thing for but were too oblivious to notice, in my case) and life is wonderful. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining a little brighter, and the sky is as blue as ever.
Yay, you’re in a relationship now … why are you not magically happy?
Trust me, a relationship can be wonderful but you should not be fixated on the idea that you will be cured. I thought that way when I got into my first relationship in high school and I was totally devastated when I felt no change.
I adore my boyfriend but I didn’t go into our relationship thinking that he would magically make me not depressed and I could finally live my life well-adjusted 100% of the time. It’s simply unrealistic. But, he has helped me during my worst days when liking myself seemed impossible.
What has worked is being upfront and vulnerable with him. Whether I’m experiencing a deep episode or just too anxious to see anyone, I will do my best to give him a heads-up so I’m not keeping him completely in the dark.
I’m still learning how to ask for help or assurance but taking a step to let him know how I’m feeling has been a great way to break out of the “keeping everything bottled up” method I’ve been used to for so long.
One thing I also want to be upfront about: I hate the assumption that mentally ill people should steer clear of dating. It’s not only unbelievably ignorant but it almost infantilizes people with mental illness like they don’t have the capacity (or maturity) to handle romance. It’s simply “too much for them.”
Yes, I can be depressed or going through mental struggles and still love my partner, how crazy is that?
To circle back to Valentine’s Day, it can be a lovely yet exhausting holiday to get through.
No matter your relationship status, it can be a drag to plan for it. It’s not always easy to be in a loving or lovey-dovey mood when there’s so much going on in your head and that’s okay. You are allowed to take it lowkey.
You don’t need to mope about being single or constantly reminding everyone around you of how in love you are with your partner just to feel something. You can treat it as any other day or better yet, a you day. A day to look at yourself deeply and find something to like – fixate on it and explore it. Gas yourself up!
For those in relationships, you can split the day and spend half of it on you and the other half with your partner – be sure to communicate this, and don’t just disappear off the face of the Earth for half the day! If restaurants are too exhausting or nerve-racking, suggest takeout and a chill activity that still reinforces love and togetherness. You can always save the romantic theatrics for your anniversary!
I know this is not a relationship column (you should check out the wickedly awesome Kameenian Korner for that!), but there is so much to discuss in terms of mental illness and romance that I hope to explore more in future articles. Happy Valentine’s Day, minimize that sugar consumption (or don’t, it’s your choice) and remember that despite its capitalistic implications, this is a day to remember that love is all-encompassing and we all need to be reminded of where it exists not only in our lives but in us.
Stay sane and sweet, friends!You can fill out my Google form if you’d like to send me a request, or email me at [email protected] if you have any questions or concerns!
