President Grigsby in his office. Photo courtesy of Elaine Deitch.

Last week, I was added to a group chat filled with unfamiliar phone numbers. At first, I brushed it off as a mere mistake by some random slip of the thumb. That was until I saw the messages in the chat. 

As I delved deeper into the chat, I was shocked to see messages pertaining to in-depth plans for Moravian’s future. There were texts discussing making Zinzendorf into a dorm, removing all of the books from the library, making the bell that rings every hour play the song Fireball by Pitbull on St Patty’s Day, and most importantly, Moravian plans to buy out Lehigh.

According to the number 610-420-6969, Moravian’s board of trustees intends to buy Lehigh, in order to expand Moravian’s influence. They cite the strategy that Lafayatte College has adopted over the last two decades where they have bought half of the real-estate in Easton. 

According to the unidentified phone numbers, Lehigh has come across a crippling amount of debt due to damage that their frats have caused on homecoming weekend, and are looking for an out. As such, Moravian President Bryon Grigsby, specifically has shown interest in buying the competing University as a part of a wider strategy to make Muhlenberg look “stupid.”

“We have so much to gain, especially with how much students go to El Jefes and Tally Ho. They might as well have the option to live and take classes near there,” Grigsby said. 

After reaching out to Grigsby’s office to investigate this group chat, it was confirmed that this chat existed among Moravian’s administration. Who else in the administration was in this chat is a mystery, because I was removed when I texted and asked who everyone was. 

Now, if you made it this far, you know that this all is a bunch of crap, because you would know that anyone with even a semblance of competence would not make a mistake that boneheaded and stupid……… 

If only Pete Hegseth understood that.

(Thanks President Grigsby for agreeing to let me write this)