BREAKING NEWS: Moravian’s South Campus is Now the Only Campus

Bethlehem, PA. It’s official: South Campus is no longer just the artsy sibling of Moravian University; it’s the only campus. That’s right, Main Campus has mysteriously drifted too far north, leaving administrators with no choice but to rebrand South Campus as the new (and improved?) Main Campus.

Students first suspected something was off when their walks to The HUB started taking longer, longer, and impossibly longer. “At first, I thought I was just out of shape,” admitted sophomore Jake Thompson. “But by midterms, my step count was a marathon. When I left for class at 8 a.m., I didn’t arrive until noon. That’s when I knew something was up.”

The university tried blaming tectonic shifts, but after extensive research (aka watching confused students try to find Comenius Hall), the faculty discovered the real issue: squirrels. “It turns out Moravian’s squirrel population has been hoarding so much food granola bars, pizza crusts, half-eaten Wawa sandwiches that their underground stash reached critical mass and physically tilted Main Campus north,” explained Dr. Lisa Feldman, a physics professor who never signed up for this. “Basically, we’ve lost it to the Poconos.”

As if things couldn’t get weirder, the HUB, which is still under construction, has somehow developed teleportation properties. Students report entering through one door and emerging in entirely random locations, sometimes at Reeves Library and sometimes at Lehigh River. “I just wanted a coffee,” said freshman Lucas Green. “And suddenly, I was in New Jersey. I don’t even know if the HUB has a coffee shop yet!”

With Main Campus now a distant memory and The HUB acting as a rogue portal, Moravian has decided to embrace the chaos. “South Campus is now Main Campus,” declared university spokesperson Maria Klein. “We’re putting up new signs, moving all classes here, and renaming North Campus to ‘Even More North Campus’ to avoid confusion.”

President Grisby, when reached for comment, said, “While we do not have concrete answers yet, we’re confident in the university’s ability to adapt. We’re looking into some space-time rift theories, and I’ve even considered a visit to the Poconos to see if we can negotiate with the squirrels. In the meantime, South Campus is now our focal point. Let’s move forward and embrace the ‘new normal.’”

The transition hasn’t been completely smooth. The Comenius statue was last seen floating down the Monocacy Creek, the band has been relocated to the basement of the art building, and a group of lost first-years are still trying to find the original Main Campus (we wish them luck). But despite the challenges, the university remains optimistic.

“At this point, we’re just rolling with it,” said Klein. “Main Campus is gone, The HUB is a wormhole, and the squirrels are probably in charge now. But hey, at least South Campus finally gets the recognition it deserves!”

Students are encouraged to prepare for the changes by investing in good walking shoes, keeping emergency snacks on hand (to avoid feeding the squirrels further), and avoiding the HUB unless they’re feeling particularly adventurous. “At this rate, I’ll need a passport just to visit my old dorm,” complained junior Emily Rodriguez.

Stay tuned for updates or don’t, because by the time you read this, we might all be in another dimension.