As a woman, I don’t think it’s that uncommon to want a man to defend you, but I wanted to talk about an unfortunate trope I see many fall victim to: The White Knight.
If you don’t know, White Knights are men who derive their entire personality and value from defending “damsels in distress,” but often, they go a little too far, and it seems like they like the act of fighting more than being with their partner.
While this might seem attractive to some at first glance, it gets dangerous quickly. We all want a partner who has our back: someone who will speak up for us when we’re too tired to defend ourselves, who listens when we say, “That really hurt me,” and then acts accordingly.
But the White Knight doesn’t quite do that. He doesn’t listen; he fights. And more often than not, the battles he’s waging aren’t about protection. They’re about ego and control over the relationship.
I first learned of this specific savior complex when I watched Sex and the City, where Charlotte starts dating a man who insists on protecting her from every minor inconvenience, even confronting someone who cuts in line. At first, it seems charming, even flattering. But as the episodes unfold, it becomes clear that Charlotte doesn’t want, or need, a man to charge into battle on her behalf.
While the idea of someone rushing to your rescue sounds romantic, in practice, it can feel controlling, performative, and, frankly, exhausting.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard the adage, but it’s one of my favorite quotes, and I feel that it applies to so many situations: “If he writes her a few sonnets, he loves her. If he writes her a few hundred sonnets, he loves sonnets.”
In the context of fighting, I often see men who use the excuse of someone “offending their girlfriend” just because they want to fight.
If a shy man defends you when you need it, he loves you; if an abrasive man jumps at any moment to get in a fight, he loves fighting.
White Knights often miss the mark because they’re more focused on appearing heroic than being genuinely helpful. Their need to defend you becomes a performance — one that centers them. It’s about being seen as “the good guy,” the one who would never let anyone hurt you, even if, in doing so, they hurt you themselves.
There is the darker side of the White Knight: he assumes you can’t (or shouldn’t have to) fight your own battles. That your emotions are something he has to fix, not understand. And in doing so, he often ignores your actual voice and crosses boundaries he shouldn’t.
I’m sorry, but if someone respectfully hits on me and then backs off after being told I have a partner, there is no reason to be angry, in my opinion. Beating the life out of someone should be reserved for someone who actually offends or hurts your partner, not someone who makes you feel emasculated because you are simply dating an attractive and approachable person.
You should never view conflict as an opportunity to prove yourself, because a relationship isn’t a proving ground — it’s a partnership.
There’s a difference between being protective and possessive, and between advocating for your partner and assuming they need to be saved.
If you’re receiving this kind of “chivalry,” remember that you deserve a partner who values your voice, not just their version of you as someone who needs to be saved. You are not a damsel. You are not a cause. You are fully capable of deciding when and how you want to be supported.
Healthy love doesn’t require a sword and a horse; it requires humility and presence. A real partner won’t throw themselves in front of you at every opportunity; they walk beside you, and only step forward to protect you when necessary.
