We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (and women and anyone in between) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of pooping on a clean toilet. The history of the present residents of Moravian is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Anarchy over these living spaces. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the campus world.

The Hill – Liz

I was appalled when I opened the communal fridge to find that my entire tub of cookie dough was gone. Disappeared—no remnants in the garbage can. I frantically looked in the other fridge, the freezer, every drawer, and behind every other item, but to no avail. Two and a quarter pounds of cookie dough, gone in one night. 

I was home, so I would have been able to smell if someone baked the cookie dough; believe me, I can smell every single thing cooked in this suite. So this leaves me with two conclusions, this monster devoured eight dollars worth of raw cookie dough in one sitting, or they hid my dough in their private fridge. Either way, I am appalled. 

I have dealt with these food thieves for far too long. You can take my cheese, yogurt, and milk, but I draw the line at the sicko who devoured my ENTIRE tub of cookie dough in one night. 

Let it be said that I have left multiple sticky notes informing my suitemates of my food sensitivities and that I buy groceries instead of using the dining hall. Somehow, they seem to have no concerns about stealing my food from my cold, dead hands. 

Let it not be unsaid that many of these people are slobs, who never consider others in their actions, so let me do a brief rundown.

Stop throwing condensed milk into an UNBAGGED garbage bin, stop dumping heaps of food in the sink drain, quit leaving your room garbage in the communal garbage bin when our suite is two steps away from the garbage chute, and PLEASE control your urges to scream in the common rooms past 1 a.m. 

P.S. you don’t need to learn a new instrument at 2 a.m. Monday morning. A shut door doesn’t mean it is soundproof. 

P.P.S. Stop using showers that aren’t yours. It’s weird. You know who you are. 

North Campus Dorms – AJ

First, I do not know who raised some of you but they should be ashamed because you all are adults who cannot practice the most fundamentally basic of courtesies. 

In both years I’ve been here I have been constantly bombarded with the worst bathroom etiquette I have ever seen. Every single weekend both toilets are filled to the brim with poop and toilet paper and no one bothers to unclog the toilet when they create their toilet bowl soup. And let’s not forget about how paper towels are just left everywhere with no rhyme or reason to it. Hate to break it to you but it’s not hard to throw garbage in a bin. You are big boys. I know you can do it.

Some of you (for some reason) cannot grasp the concept that no one wants to hear your crummy music blasting all hours of the day. I’m sorry, but if you can’t take a shower without blasting music for the entire floor to hear then you need professional help. Even worse, some of you have deigned it ok to blast music, at 3 a.m. ON A WEEK NIGHT, so loud that I can literally feel the vibrations of the music from the other side of the hallway.

I am also just utterly confounded by the drinking habits of some of you. I already find some people’s obsession with getting drunk on weekends exceedingly strange. Do you seriously want to spend one of two days a week you have off being hung over? Beyond that though, how are some of you getting drunk on a Sunday morning? I stay up late on Saturdays and the hallway smells normal and then on Sunday mornings it sometimes just reeks of alcohol out of nowhere. If you want to drink, fine but don’t stink up the whole floor and leave your puke all over the toilets and the floor.

I feel horrible for the cleaning staff who have to clean up these atrocious messes every Monday after the bathroom inevitably becomes a disaster zone on the weekend. If I were them I would just leave a note on the bathroom door saying “tough luck, clean it yourself.” I genuinely believe that some of these people should be forced to clean up their inexusable messes because, even though it’s their job,  the cleaning staff do not get paid enough to clean those cesspools. I’m pretty sure if the UN discovered what happens in these bathrooms, they would try these people for violations of the Geneva Convention.

P.S. to the person who put Domino’s garlic knots in the bathroom garbage, I hope you step on a LEGO every day for the rest of your life.

P.P.S. to the guy who uses the basketball hoop on your door, please stop. I don’t want to hear your door constantly banging in the afternoon let alone at two in the morning.

Hillsides – Joel

We live in private suites with 4 other people we (hopefully) like living with. That is, unless you live in a 14-person Hillside, but that’s neither here nor there. We have our own kitchen, our own personal room, two bathrooms, and a living room. What could be worse? There should be no reason to have unpleasant interactions with other residents. 

So then why do I still have them?

I get it. Sometimes we do things and we don’t consider how we’re affecting other people. This is a university campus after all, so that should be expected. However, it becomes an issue when it’s consistent. Take my Hillside for example. I live right next to the volleyball courts. I have no problem with people playing volleyball and hanging out around the area. What I DO have a problem with is when it’s so loud that I can hear you from my room.

This isn’t just exclusive to the hillsides. It’s all the suites around the area. Have fun, I don’t care. But don’t let your fun get in my way of trying to function as a student. Because the Hillsides have those areas to hang out in front of, it’s all too common for you obnoxious people to disregard any residents living nearby. And clean up your messes, people. If I see any more trash left around that area because you children don’t know to clean up after yourselves, I’m going to lose it.

And you frats…you need to learn common courtesy. Of course many of the frats houses are Hillsides, so anything they do is clearly apparent to me. I understand you have your parties, but that doesn’t give you a right to interrupt me with your animalistic noises when I’m in my room. Also, what the heck do you do at those parties? Not only do I have to struggle through your painfully bad music, but some of the noises I hear are…strange to say the least. You can still have fun at your parties without forcing me to hear the moronic sounds you make when I’m trying to sleep. I can even hear you over my suitemates, AND THEY LIVE IN THE SAME SUITE. 

Also, how come there’s always a different car parked outside your houses on the street? Are you guys selling drugs out of your suites? I shouldn’t have to deal with that crap.

P.S. To those people who park their cars in front of the stairs leading up to campus, do you actually have any brain cells? I shouldn’t have to walk around your car because you’re too lazy to drive forward a few feet. 

P.P.S People, set timers for your laundry. Like, it isn’t that hard. If you leave your laundry in a washer/dryer for a while after it’s finished, you deserve to get hit in the ankle with a scooter.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Resident whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Troglodyte, is unfit to be the representation of a college campus.