You were in a relationship for five years, and your boyfriend unexpectedly broke your heart right around Valentine’s Day; where do you go from here?
Well, if you find out, let me know. For the last two weeks, my coping has entailed listening to Stevie Nicks while consuming terribly upsetting media that I know will not make me feel better. Rom-coms with happy endings, the dreaded 500 Days of Summer, and my personal favorite recently, Love on the Spectrum. I spent all my life obsessing over all these couples with movie-like romances that I had related to my extended relationship until I had become the sad ending myself.
After being in a relationship for so long, I think I actually received more condolence messages regarding our breakup than when I had lost major family members in my life; so, I have heard it all regarding how to get over someone.
But the truth is? I don’t think anything will help, no words or pieces of advice. I think you just wait, become miserable inside, and then wait more until you grow angered at the misery and create a new emotion you’ve never experienced before.
But then, one day, I think you grow around the pain. It doesn’t go away, but you learn how to live your life around it, and you can think of the happy times without a nostalgia to return. Soon, he’s not the first thing you think of when you see the first letter of his name; you don’t slip and call him your current boyfriend – you actually don’t think of him at all. And you think it might be nice.
Then, you try to fall asleep at night and realize you regret every thought about moving on that you have ever had.
I know this is overdone, but recovering is a rollercoaster. Some days I feel fine, maybe even better than when we were together, and then the next day I throw up from being so upset about it.
Alright, now we have all the traditional sappy responses out of the way; you get the real deal. I started this relationship column hoping to be honest about relationships and what they need to survive, and just because that relationship is over does not mean I hold reservations regarding writing about myself and this experience. So, be warned, this will become a borderline diary entry.
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue with no reasoning, and some avid readers may remember reading my relationship column last edition that was published three days before my break up … yeah, he also commented on that article that I was the “best girlfriend ever,” four hours before breaking up with me; to say I was shocked is an extreme understatement. I’m an emotional person, and I often feel things very viscerally, for lack of better words, so I was throwing up for days after the initial breakup.
So, I needed to find ways to cope. Everyone’s suggestions, talking it out, hitting a pillow, eating ice cream, and everything else Google suggested didn’t work, not even a bit – so I made my own list. Sure, you can take care of yourself and hit the gym, or you can think of every bad thing that your ex-partner did to you, every time they ever made you cry, and anytime you felt disrespected. That list is longer than it should be, huh?
Of course, issues come with every single relationship, but if you want to move on, you can’t think about all the times you kissed under the sun, filtering through the beautiful autumn trees with a slight breeze in the air. Believe me, you will not get far. You can think about these memories in the future when you’ve hopefully moved on.
For a couple of days, I thought about him coming back to me and how I would probably take him back, – and then I remembered how many dinners I paid for by myself. I remember every time I asked him to do something and he forgot or just didn’t care enough, and I remember every time that he didn’t want to go on a date because he wanted to save money (for our entire relationship, but somehow, there was never any money actually saved?) And these memories remind me that it might be for the better.
I remember how he lost my dead dad’s scarf that I lent him, and how he wanted to break up with me for months without any communication, and the anger is almost potent enough to remind me I might be better off on my own.
So yeah, get angry because if you don’t, you will run back to him crying. Go no contact, because that is the only way you’ll learn how to live without him.
If someone asks you on a date, say yes. See how they treat you and feel the complete difference in receiving attention that you no longer have to ask for. I don’t think there’s going to be a magical time when someone feels ready to move on, especially if they’re still harping over a man who broke their heart for no reason – so just do it.
I didn’t want to go to classes or eat or get out of bed, and I had multiple interventions from friends within the first few days of our breakup (thanks, guys, you’re the best), so you can imagine how I took the breakup. But, it didn’t take too long to realize that there is much more to life than my first love – much, much more.
Thanks for reading the column, and as always, feel free to comment, email me at [email protected], or submit to this Google Form for any suggestions or requests about what to write about.
