The only thing worse than a family member at a holiday dinner asking you, “So, what do you plan on doing after you graduate?” or “Are you dating anyone?” is a political discussion within a divided family.
Within my own family, I’ve seen it escalate into yelling matches quite a few times at Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner. The discussion can turn in ways I never could have imagined, and it happens so fast. Sometimes I find myself wishing I were back at school.
If you are like me and your family is politically divided, conflict during the holidays may seem inevitable. However, it doesn’t have to be downright awful. Here are some tips for managing this stress.
Understand that you probably won’t be able to change anyone’s mind. We are firmly committed to our beliefs, and it is very difficult to change others’ opinions. Trying to talk to someone from the opposite side and convince them of your argument will often make things worse. Someone will get defensive, someone will accuse someone else of something, and before you know it, you’re shouting at each other, which makes the environment stressful and uncomfortable for everyone. My advice: disengage from political talk, especially if the goal is to change someone’s mind. You won’t get very far, and you’ll only end up very frustrated. Focus on keeping the peace. Remember that you can’t control what others think or say, but you can control your reaction.
Redirect and talk about topics other than politics. Focus on things you have in common with your family members, such as shared memories and hobbies. Talk about your favorite sports team. Discuss what teams you think will be in the Super Bowl this year. Tell them about what you’ve been learning in your classes at school. Share your opinion on the latest movie you’ve watched. Reminisce on a funny family memory. There are many other topics you can focus on other than politics. And if it comes up, redirect towards a different topic.
Find an ally. You are probably not alone in feeling uncomfortable if politics comes up or if the conversation gets heated. Maybe your siblings or an uncle feel the same way. Talk to them ahead of time and come up with a game plan if things go sideways. You can tag-team redirecting the conversation. It’s also comforting just knowing that someone shares the same sentiment as you. If the conversation does become volatile or someone says something questionable, at least you’ll have someone to share looks with. My ally during family holidays is my cousin. We’ve shared many glances from across the table and taken shelter in each other’s bedrooms more times than I can count.
Plan distractions to keep everyone busy. It may sound lame, but planning structured activities for everyone to participate in can keep the conversation away from politics. This could be a board game or card game, a few rounds of holiday-themed trivia, or a continuous sampling of snacks and desserts. Create a playlist of songs you think others may like. Play with the family pets. Plan a craft. Figure out what could be fun for you and your family.
Take a break. If it gets to be too much, you can always step away for a little bit. Even without any political discussion, I know how overstimulating family gatherings can be. Find a quiet spot to decompress. Or hang out in the bathroom for a while and play a game on your phone. A few minutes of alone time can help you to reset before rejoining the conversation. Or, you can even come up with an escape plan with your ally. My cousin and I have made it a tradition every Thanksgiving and Christmas to go to Wawa and get hot chocolate. We call it “The Great Cousin Escape.” The half an hour it takes to go to Wawa and back can really help us to calm down and debrief what’s happened and been said so far.
I wish you luck during this tumultuous season of family gatherings. Holiday dinners can be challenging and uncomfortable, but you will get through them. If anything, I hope you get lots of delicious food out of your troubles! Happy holidays!
