Typically, The Comenian is a publication that aims to uplift clubs and organizations that exist on Moravian’s campus. However, there is one club on campus that I’d argue should not exist at all.

That club is Moravian University’s Tabl- 🤢

Sorry, *ahem* … TabletaaaAhHhh 🤢🤢🤢 I’m sorry, I can barely even say it without wanting to puke. 

Give me a second… 

Okay… I think I’m good… 

Tabletop Club. 

Now I already hear you asking in your incredibly annoying voice: “Dom, how could a club as innocent-sounding as Tabletop Club be so disgustingly vile that you can barely even make out the words without wanting to puke?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, you sad, naive, lonely human being. It is my great pleasure to present to you just a few reasons why tabletop club (notice how I’ve stopped capitalizing “tabletop club” because I have no respect for them?) sucks.

They play games on a dang table! Sad!

The first reason is obvious – it’s in their name! In order for this club to operate, they need a table to put their stupid little cardboard game boards on or to roll their stupid dice on (or do whatever else people in tabletop club do with their free time, which I’m confident they have plenty of). Sure, they could play their board games on the floor instead but… shut up, okay? 

Take the Kubb Team as a shining example of a great club (some might even say the best club – I bet nobody says that about tabletop club) that doesn’t need a table. A good old-fashioned game of Kubb can take place anywhere the ground is (which is everywhere – just look down!).

You don’t throw things in tabletop club.

Everyone knows that throwing things is the most thrilling act a human being can experience. What do you throw in tabletop club exactly? Oh, that’s right – nothing! You might be able to roll dice, but if I wanted to roll something I’d go bowling or do anything other than play a board game.

Take the game of Kubb as an example of a thrilling game where you get to throw things. The goal of Kubb is to knock down all of your opponent’s kubbs with tossable dowels before knocking down the king in the center. 

What’s that? You’re scared of getting hit by a dowel while playing kubb? That’s alright, you can go hang out with tabletop club where you can play with dolls and braid each other’s hair or whatever.

Board games are for fools.

“King me!”

“Checkmate!”

“Knight to E5!”

“Collect $200 when you pass Go!”

These are statements dreamed up by the utterly deranged.

Take these phrases commonly said by members of the Moravian University Kubb Team in comparison: 

“Nice throw!”

“Knock down the king!”

“Good game!”

“I love Kubb!”

“Wow, this is way better than playing games on a literal table!”

See the difference?

There aren’t any good songs about tabletop games.

Do you know what there are good songs about? Kubb.

Here’s one by Lil Greyhound, which is now available on all major music streaming platforms: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLCtfj-AC-0

Here’s another one by Sean Carroll: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAPU5Wdk48U

These songs? Fire. Really good stuff.

And those are just a few reasons why tabletop club is the worst club in existence. I hope that this article has convinced you to stay far away from anything that resembles a board game.  If you’re interested in joining the Kubb Team, please email Sean Carroll ([email protected]) or Sam Houser ([email protected]). We’d be happy to welcome you to this fresh and exciting new team.