That’s right, I said it. If you are single and looking for a partner your best bet is to stop trying to get a partner.

You might ask, “Well, AJ, if I want a girlfriend, why shouldn’t I try to find one?” 

That’s because finding a partner is not an achievable goal. That doesn’t mean you can’t find one but more that it’s a lofty and unrealistic goal to set. You can’t really take tangible steps to find a partner directly. If you’re going on a million dating apps and asking every other person out on a date you’re just going to come off as sad and desperate. To be frank, even if someone agrees to go out with you, that relationship will have been built on an extremely rocky foundation because you were more interested in the relationship rather than the person.

The most effective step you can take is the tried and true (and somewhat cliche) method of just simply working on yourself. But what the heck does that actually mean? You can’t control others’ actions but you can control yours, so take steps to improve the things you don’t like about yourself. Set achievable goals for yourself. For example, if you want to get more in shape then start working out. If you want to be more sociable, then take some steps to push yourself outside of your social comfort zone.

I know for me my biggest challenge is a terminal fear of uncertainty and rejection. So you know what I did? I started taking steps to increase my tolerance for both of those things. If you have a fear of the unknown, then start taking steps to chart your way through undiscovered territory. Your mental perception of yourself also affects your outward presentation and people will take note of that. That doesn’t mean you should change yourself, however; what you should do is improve the person you already are. No one is going to be attracted to someone who doesn’t exist.

Also, for the love of God, avoid asking the internet for help. Almost every community you will find will be filled with people in what they perceive as a hopeless situation and will almost always give the absolute worst advice you’ve ever heard. The internet amplifies negative opinions so you will almost certainly get useless advice or just downright toxic and harmful information.

Admittedly, all those steps are easier said than done. They require hard work and for you to push yourself out of your comfort zone. They can also take a long time to bear fruit. It could take months, years, or even a decade but when you work on yourself, you work on your relationships with others. That long and uncertain time can seem daunting and hopeless but finding a partner isn’t just given to you on a straight path.

Instead, think of it like playing poker. No matter what there is always a level of luck and uncertainty but at the same time, there are steps you can take to even the odds. You have to learn the rules of the game to be able to increase your odds of success even if you were dealt a bad hand. 

At the end of the day, the only way to win is if you keep betting. Some bets might blow up in your face and leave you embarrassed but honestly, so what? Life is a constant stream of embarrassment but it’s our ability to find hope in that struggle that makes life beautiful. No matter what you do you always have to take that leap of faith and put your chips on the table. 

When you work to improve your odds of success, however, you’ll see that your likelihood of winning will be much higher.