As the air begins to cool and you begin to hear the faint sounds of Mariah Carey as she crawls ever closer to retail stores across America, one thing at the forefront of fall drink advertising is something that would make hardened soldiers quake in their boots. 

It rears its ugly head, providing disgusting tastes and even worse textures to millions who would spend their hard-earned money on it. I’d rather run barefoot through a field of Lego while listening to Cocomelon compilations over having to think about this monstrous enemy of the common people. 

It is the pumpkin spice latte, and it wants to end the human race as we know it (don’t fact-check me on that).

Yeah, yeah, some people might try to claim that this opinion is based on “taste” preferences (whatever THAT means). That’s all nice and good, but have you ever stopped to consider the question of who?

As in who asked?

Maybe people like pumpkin spice because it fills the hole left behind by their lack of good opinions. I mean, seriously, have you ever had the displeasure of tasting pumpkin spice?

First off, before you even punish your mouth, pumpkin spice looks like what you get when you cross ground down roadkill with vomit. Forget punishing your mouth; this is a punishment to your eyes. 

How does anyone in their right mind look at a pumpkin spice latte and think, “Oh yeah, let me ingest that pile of garbage that would make the gunk in the corner of the Arby’s custodial closet look like a five-star meal; it looks delicious.”

If the visual nightmare of the latte hasn’t sent you running for literally anything else, then prepare to lose your reason for living when your tongue gets that first taste.

On a quick side note, I want to write a letter to my mother:

Dear Dr. Mom,

Remember when I was young? I’m sure you do, you like to bring it up a lot.

Anyway, I would always complain about having to take that weird-tasting cough medicine. You know the one? I remember refusing to take it, throwing tantrums, and being an overall menace to any amount of peace you still had in your life.

Well Mom, I’d like to apologize for the way I acted. After realizing that people drink pumpkin spice lattes, I now know that there are people in the world who simply have it worse than me. I should’ve taken that medicine with a smile, knowing that I could’ve been drinking something a lot worse.  

I’m sorry, Mom. You always had, and still have, my best intentions in mind, yet I was too narrow-minded to realize. You’re the best for not making me drink pumpkin spice lattes.

Love,

Joel

Okay, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, pumpkin spice lattes taste worse than I care to write about, but I’ll try to anyway. 

First off, it doesn’t even taste like pumpkin. I don’t like pumpkin-flavored things, but I was surprised when there wasn’t any pumpkin flavor. 

No, you’ll get a flavor that makes it seem like the barista dropped an entire 5lb bag of cinnamon in your cup and didn’t bother to take it out. I don’t mind cinnamon-flavored things, but oh my goodness, do pumpkin spice lattes go overboard. 

And the texture … I mean, it’s literally sandpaper. Go buy some sandpaper and rub it over your tongue because it’ll probably make for a better experience. 

Now, you could chalk this up to me just getting unlucky and having a bad barista. You could even ask the question, “Joel, one experience shouldn’t constitute an opinion like this. You just had a bad experience; why don’t you try it again?”

Thank you for asking that hypothetical question, reader. However, it certainly isn’t just me. Take Todd here, as he, too, has some choice words for pumpkin spice.

…

Thanks for passing the mic over to me, Joel. However, I feel like you’re not giving pumpkin spice enough credit…

ENOUGH CREDIT FOR TASTING LIKE DIRT HAHAHAHA!!!

The aforementioned sandpaper that was preferable to pumpkin spice was actually used to rub off all of the taste buds from the populace who are in support of this abomination of a flavor. You simply must not have a sense of taste if you enjoy the fall-themed nectar of satan himself.

I would compare the flavor of pumpkin spice to a Hallmark candle, however, Hallmark candles have better taste than their movies. 

Does this justify eating a candle or a disc to your favorite festive movie? Actually, yes, it does. Please do this as opposed to drinking a pumpkin spice latte that you paid $6.50 for and move on.

I would argue that as bad as pumpkin spice is, its biggest atrocity to the fall season is how it snuffs out the ability for other flavors to shine. 

Sweet and spiced flavors that shine during the fall like apple, maple, chai, cinnamon, and caramel are all overlooked due to pumpkin spice’s supremacy over the masses. Why is this fair when all of these flavors don’t remind me of capitalism and septic tank bile? More importantly, pumpkin spice unearths the darkest memories and deepest fears from within ourselves…

I’ll never forget the day when I learned to hate this accursed flavor. When I was young, I walked into a Price Chopper grocery store with my grandmother, and right at the front doors were some pumpkin spice-scented brooms. 

Why people are marketing brooms as if people are going to buy them because they smell “nice” is beyond me, but the moment I walked past those brooms, I immediately felt sick for about 20 seconds, which happened to be just enough time to solidify a lifetime’s worth of hatred for that PS load of BS.

All of this hatred toward pumpkin spice has inspired me to write a Shakespearean sonnet to creatively express my rage:

Pumpkin spice tastes of gorilla doodoo,

Its putrid scent reeks of untimely death,

I would sooner eat a mound of poopoo,

Until I take my very final breath.

Bakers, Baristas, and Home Cooks alike,

I beg of you all to quit your day job,

Seriously, go take a long, long, hike,

We do not need you concocting this slob.

With a taste torn straight from fiery hell,

All while smelling like artificial butt,

Throughout the world I continue to yell,

“Pumpkin spice stay far away from my gut!”

Feeding me pumpkin spice would make me cry, 

Then I would purge, explode, and quickly die.

If that didn’t express my disdain toward pumpkin spice, I’m not sure what will. However, I can safely say that I really don’t like it and I cannot understand why anyone would. *mic drop*