How to Treat Moravian Women 101, with Emma Hutchman


Emma, Moravian's very own cupid; art by Daniel Crouse

As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, I want to offer the boys of Moravian a few tips on asking out that Special Someone for a night of romancing in the Christmas City

– If you have the audacity to speak to a woman, please seriously reconsider before initiating conversation. Written applications will be accepted on a case-to-case basis. 

– Wash your hands, and for God’s sake, please clean under your fingernails.

– Cut your nails. Cut. Your. Nails. 

– Stop using two-in-one shampoo and conditioner. 

– Stop using two-in-one shampoo and conditioner as body wash. 

– Under no circumstances should you use two-in-one shampoo and conditioner to wash your face, but please still wash your face. 

– Moisturize your face (with an actual facial moisturizer. I recommend Goodfellow & Co. from Target, which retails for about $5).

Ask her on a date! Moravian women will no longer accept “wyd” or “wya” as a form of human communication.

– Wear clean clothes and deodorant for said date. For any questions regarding personal hygiene, please refer to the above points. 

– Be clear in your plans for Valentine’s Day: tell her exactly where you’re going and at what time you will be picking her up (you will be picking her up).* 

– At the end of your date, ask if you can kiss her before you lean in. It’s cool. 

– Paying for the date does not equal consent.

Bonus points:

*“Surprise” dates are only acceptable for people who have established relationships prior to the holiday. If you have never been out with this person, “You’ll find out when we get there ;)” reads as very Ted Bundy-y.