How to Treat Moravian Women 101, with Emma Hutchman
As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, I want to offer the boys of Moravian a few tips on asking out that Special Someone for a night of romancing in the Christmas City
– If you have the audacity to speak to a woman, please seriously reconsider before initiating conversation. Written applications will be accepted on a case-to-case basis.
– Wash your hands, and for God’s sake, please clean under your fingernails.
– Cut your nails. Cut. Your. Nails.
– Stop using two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.
– Stop using two-in-one shampoo and conditioner as body wash.
– Under no circumstances should you use two-in-one shampoo and conditioner to wash your face, but please still wash your face.
– Moisturize your face (with an actual facial moisturizer. I recommend Goodfellow & Co. from Target, which retails for about $5).
– Ask her on a date! Moravian women will no longer accept “wyd” or “wya” as a form of human communication.
– Wear clean clothes and deodorant for said date. For any questions regarding personal hygiene, please refer to the above points.
– Be clear in your plans for Valentine’s Day: tell her exactly where you’re going and at what time you will be picking her up (you will be picking her up).*
– At the end of your date, ask if you can kiss her before you lean in. It’s cool.
– Paying for the date does not equal consent.
Bonus points:
*“Surprise” dates are only acceptable for people who have established relationships prior to the holiday. If you have never been out with this person, “You’ll find out when we get there ;)” reads as very Ted Bundy-y.