Welcome back to the Kameenian Korner, our relationship column in The Comenian! For a bit of a refresher to new and returning readers, I’m a junior English and political science major on the pre-law track, and I received my credentials to write this from surviving the breakup of my 5 ½ year relationship.
Given the prevalent horrors of modern relationships, I thought it was important to find a home for this topic in the newspaper, and I’ve touched on everything from dealing with long distance, break-ups, first dates, gift suggestions for your partner, and much more.
I’m eager to explore other topics if readers have specific requests and accept anonymous submissions through this Google Form. I understand that every relationship is unique, and my goal is to offer advice that is inclusive of all types of partnerships, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or relationship status.
In the age of modern dating and horror stories from my friends, viral social media posts, and beyond, finding Mr. Right is impossible. Over the summer, one of my friends had her credit card information stolen by her (now ex) boyfriend (after cheating on her with so many women, he reached double digits). So, the dating world is pretty abysmal right now – how do you navigate through the chaos to find the right partner for you?
If I had that answer, I probably would be on a date right now instead of writing this, but I’ll provide the best help I can. First, let’s establish that there is no perfect person, but once you find your person, you’ll be so in love with them it’ll be difficult even to notice a flaw — and the ones you do see, you love.
I’ve been having many conversations about how the “ideal man” archetype has shifted drastically, at least in the social spheres I circulate (I know some people still seek that traditional strong man presence and absolutely nothing against that). But, in my opinion, and from what I hear from my friends, we don’t need possessive providers and protectors or men who are emotionally closed off. It’s more attractive when men are emotional and communicative; it shows a new level of care, especially for those traditionally closed off due to societal pressure to fulfill this impossible archetype of being constantly emotionally guarded.
So, no, women don’t want a man who will guilt them for going out with friends, a man who is too afraid to communicate his own feelings, and someone who promises to take care of them.
Yes, it’s always nice to have a man show that he cares about you — e.g., offering to pump your gas — but I’m talking about how many times I’ve heard, “How’d you do that without a big, strong man to help you?” since my breakup. I am not joking. Despite popular belief, as a single woman, I can change a tire, move heavy boxes, maintain an investment portfolio, navigate stressful and unsafe situations, hike by myself, and do home repairs. I don’t need a man for any of that, but it is always nice when they offer to help.
Moving on, how do you find the men who aren’t hyper-masculine and intimidated by the success of muscular women around them? Well, my first piece of advice is to put everything into perspective.
I know some women who love that their boyfriends are mean to other girls or even everyone else besides their partner, but why would you want to be with someone who treats others that way? What makes you think you won’t become one of the women he says cruel things about when he eventually gets bored?
If a man has been mean to one of my friends or I know he has a shady history, I’ll just stay miles away because I know that one day, he would likely treat me just as poorly.
My second piece of advice goes hand-in-hand with perspective: emotional intelligence. Being self-aware enough to know if you consistently are going for relationships that will hurt you is a huge game-changer – you must acknowledge that it is a problem before you can fix it. I know so many girls who date men who treat them badly because they don’t think they deserve better, or maybe it’s just because they believe the thrill is exciting. But these poor girls are never going to change these men on their own.
Being aware of emotional intelligence also connects to my third piece of advice: know what you are looking for and the traits that you value in a person. For me, a good man will validate my concerns, appreciate me, actively listen – even when I think what I’m saying is unimportant and address issues calmly with respect rather than immediately aggravating the situation with passive aggression and yelling.
Set standards for both yourself and your future partner, and do not budge. My favorite question to ask myself is: Is this something that I imagine my future husband would do? Is this something I would want the father of my children to do? If the answer is no and it is an issue that he has already brought up that he won’t improve, then you know he is not the one, especially if you’re looking for your forever partner.
Now that you know what you are looking for, where do you find these men? I always suggest joining recreational activities that interest you; this will help you meet people with similar values. Don’t be afraid to expand your social network: talk to new people in classes, attend social events, and don’t be scared to be yourself. It’ll only hurt you in the long run if you pretend to be someone you’re not.
However, I don’t think you should actively search for love at every point in your life — it’s exhausting and will always make you feel like you are not enough. Let love find you organically; all the best relationships tend to start that way. Be patient and positive. Work on yourself during single lulls, and you might discover that you are your own best company.
Since my big break-up, I’ve attended so many events alone and finally began to feel comfortable with just me, myself. Honestly, I think I would have never started to heal if I had just kept up the life of distractions by being surrounded by friends. Having my friends around me was one of the most helpful things after my breakup and did keep my life on track, but sometimes, you just need to be alone to properly grieve and process the severity of what you went through. I am thankful I had that opportunity for myself this summer.
As always, thank you for reading the column. Happy first week of classes!
