A major critique I’ve seen in the context of relationships is the belief that if you can do something for yourself, you should, and you shouldn’t let someone else do it for you. Well, I’m here to say that is a load of bologna.
Yes, I can open my own doors, but why should I want to?
It makes me feel good when my boyfriend takes that extra two seconds to think to step ahead of me and open my door – or even better, walk around the car to open the passenger door for me (especially when I have long nails on! I’m either going to struggle for a few seconds to open the door, or scratch your paint, so it’s better if you just get the door.).
And there are things I’m not afraid to admit I can’t do, or if I can do, I struggle with. I don’t have huge muscles, and carrying heavy weights, especially with my assortment of health problems, is hard for me. So, yeah, I’d appreciate it if someone could carry something heavy for me, even if I could do it myself.
This situation applies to everything in relationships: I can pull out my own chair, but knowing that my partner thought to pull out mine will always make me blush. I love it when someone thinks about me. Everyone can relate to that.
If you think I can’t protect myself, let alone pull out my own chair? You’re sorely mistaken.
I not only survived but thrived for four months abroad, all by myself. I lived by myself in a hotel, and most of my friends were a 15-30 minute walk away. I ate meals by myself, walked myself to and from classes, friends’ apartments, and the bar, and yes, that includes late at night.
And don’t assume I was never bothered.
I’m a safe woman who always calls someone on my walks home and carries some form of personal protection (as well as some training in self-defense jiu-jitsu). I have been harassed by a lot of men, but I always protect myself.
So, I can, and love to, live by myself – which makes it even nicer when someone tries to take care of me.
No one is asking to be treated like they can’t function on their own, but intention and care matter. Relationships aren’t built on grand gestures, but small, almost invisible habits of consideration: someone holding a door, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, noticing when you’ve had a long day and bringing your favorite drink without being asked.
Thoughtfulness shouldn’t be limited to one person in a relationship; it goes both ways. Anyone can open a door, plan a date or make a small effort to make someone else’s day easier. What matters isn’t the tradition behind the gesture, but the care behind it.
A forgotten aspect of most relationships is that women tend to take backseat roles in caring without ever receiving recognition, such as making dinner, doing laundry, childcare, and keeping the house clean. The least you can do is open the door for her.
Yes, this also goes for paying for things. I never go somewhere without knowing I could pay for my portion without the man, but I also hate the assumption that once someone pays for something, you “owe” them something. Gestures are nice, but should never come with expectations.
I’ve had numerous men get mad at me for paying for my dinner, and then I don’t want to go home with them – if I knew they would leverage that against me, I would have just paid them the 20 bucks and never talked to them again.
However, I hate to say it, but women are always paying. Gender roles dictate that women have to be beautiful, whatever it takes, whether that means extensive beauty procedures, hair removal, makeup, hair dye, or manicures. I think it’s fair for a woman to ask her partner to pay for something once in a while.
Humans are social creatures. We desire attention and affection, especially in relationships, so never feel bad for asking for what you deserve.
Yes, you can open your own door, but doesn’t it feel nice when someone grabs the handle for you?
