I’m sure we’ve all heard it during a break-up, or maybe even said it ourselves: “Let’s just be friends.” It sounds mature, feels mature, and often feels like it’s the best of both worlds; maybe you aren’t romantically compatible with your current partner, but love their company. It makes sense that you would try!
But every time I’ve tried, and every time one of my friends tries, it never works, and often ends in a dramatic culmination of some sort. In my mind, it’s because the definition of the relationship changes more quickly than the people in it.
If one party is already one foot outside the door before the break-up happens, they might feel more comfortable being friends because they know there is no future in that relationship; if that isn’t communicated to the partner before the break-up, the other party might feel suddenly hurt and betrayed, or feel like the relationship could be fixed.
Even beyond that, relationships build habits that don’t dissolve on command. You don’t just stop being the person someone vents to, texts first or relies on at the end of a long day. There’s a private language and access to a person that doesn’t translate neatly into friendship. Your partner likely knows a lot more about you than your friends, and even if you feel like you want to maintain that relationship, I have never seen it actually work out.
A lot of the time, people say they want something “platonic,” but they keep acting out aspects of a relationship that no longer exists, leaving both parties in an uncomfortable in-between.
And, oh boy, what if you are friends, but one party is willing to move on and start dating? Even if you don’t tell them, they will find out, and likely feel hurt that you moved on “so quickly” (even if it is not quick at all!).
More importantly, staying close to your ex can get in the way of what a breakup is supposed to do. When you’re with someone, your routines, habits and sense of self start to orbit around them.
When that relationship ends, you rebuild yourself and often have to figure out who you are without that person as your partner. If you stay in regular contact, you never fully step out of that orbit.
None of this means it’s impossible. It can work, but only under conditions people rarely meet. The breakup has to be genuinely mutual. There has to be real time and distance: enough for both people to detach, not just say they have. Boundaries have to be clear and respected, and there can’t be any quiet hope that the relationship might restart.
“We should stay friends,” often says more about discomfort with endings than it does about a realistic plan for what comes next. It’s easier to keep a door half-open than to close it fully – but it’s healthier to figure out what to actually do with that door in a way that will be beneficial to both parties.
Break-ups are hard on both sides. Most of the time, you love your partner and want the best for them and genuinely do not want to hurt them, so these phrases like that make sense to soften the blow. But, it’s important to think about your comfort in the moment, compared to the long-term strength of your relationship, whether romantic or platonic.
You don’t have to stay friends with your ex, but you can stay civil, and I see that happening less and less today, even in my own personal life. Hindsight is always 20-20, but I wish I could go back and redo just about all of my break-ups that I was on both the receiving and delivering end of, so hopefully, my hindsight will help your foresight.
All of that aside, this is my last relationship column in The Comenian. When I first started writing these, I was in a relationship for almost six years and thought that was my endgame; looking back, I’ve become a completely different person since my sophomore year. So, for all the readers who have followed along, thank you, and I hope you learned something (or were at least entertained at some point).
I went abroad while in a relationship for four months, and learned a lot about myself and what I need in a relationship. I joke all the time that no one should take my relationship advice, because if it worked, I would be in a happy relationship right now – but, I think a part of the fun of growing up is being able to actually find out what you’re looking for in a life-partner.
My dad and mom met each other later than most, but they were the happiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life, and I lived with them, so I know the truth.
Not everything is meant to last in the same form, and that doesn’t make it a failure. Sometimes the most honest thing you can do, for yourself and for someone you once cared about, is to let the relationship end fully, instead of trying to reshape it into something it was never meant to be.
Every loss is a gain in some way, even if it’s just in life lessons.
So no, you don’t have to stay friends. You don’t have to keep a door half-open just to prove that you’re mature enough to handle it. Sometimes, closing it is the clearest way forward.
And for what it’s worth, I’m still figuring all of this out, too.
